Robbie and Darlene
by albinotanuki
Summary: When Robbie's parents kick him out of the house, he gets a job working at Mystery Mountain and befriends Darlene, but is she really what she seems?
1. Chapter 1

I sipped on my Pit Cola as I looked through the ads. I figured ever since my folks kicked me out of the house, I should try to get a job to keep myself fed. None of the jobs seemed to fit my skills or seemed like they would pay enough, except for one that called for a mummy caretaker at the Mystery Mountain tourist attraction.

' _Looking for young, scrawny, and naive human who won't ask too many question to look after mummies. No experience necessary.'_

Luckily, I already HAD experience with dead bodies working at my parents' mortuary, so I was more than qualified. I immediately started taking a road trip over to Mystery Mountain, with a few stops along the way with what little money I had. I didn't eat very much; I even had to steal an ear of corn from the Corn Maze tourist attraction along the way while no one was looking.

I was finally able to reach Mystery Mountain before my van broke down. I looked around at all the sites from the giant statues of Paul Bunyan and Babe the bull, to that talking mannequin of Fire Retardant Raccoon. I walked into the office where a middle-aged woman with bleach-blonde hair and an excessive tan was sitting at the desk.

"Umm, hi." I murmured, "My name's Robbie. I'm here because of the ad you put out asking for someone to look after your mummies."

"Oh well you've come to the right place." Said the old woman in a nasally Fran Drescher voice, " Just take a seat and I'll ask you a few questions."

I sat in front of her desk.

"Okay first question: are you afraid of heights?"

"Pfft. No. I've climbed so many high places that heights bore me."

"Second question: do large, dark caves scare you?

"Definitely not. I don't know why people are so afraid of them. I see the opening of one and I'm like, 'Eh'."

"And lastly: if you notice any of the mummies looking like the tourists that come here, will that raise any suspicion to you?"

"I don't care what the mummies look like as long as I get paid."

"Well congratulations Robbie, you've got the job!"

I did? Usually I don't do very well with job interviews, so this came as a shock to me, but I was grateful none the less.

"Thanks, Ma'am." I said, shaking her hand.

"Please, call me Darlene."


	2. Chapter 2

I immediately got to work looking after the mummies. I would carefully dust them, keep them away from moisture and made sure none of the tourists damaged any of the mummies on display.

I noticed Darlene really seemed to like flirting with the tourists; not just with men, but also women and I think also one gender queer person as well and usually takes them up to Widow's Peek for, which I guess is some sort of adult playtime. I try not to get into her private life, though I can't help but notice some of the mummies looking like those same tourists from before.

Regardless, the job pays well. At the end of the day, Darlene gave me some cash that would be enough to help me buy at least ten gallons of gas for my van and a Big Mac. Sadly, my van was already out of gas and it was too heavy for me to push to the nearest gas station.

I tried sleeping in the van when Darlene opened the sliding door.

"Robbie, this is where you're sleeping?"

I blushed, but didn't want her to know how embarrassed I was for her to find me her.

"Uh, yeah. I can't get push my van to the gas station and the nearest motel is nine miles from here."

"What about your parents?" asked Darlene, "Don't you live with them?"

"I use to," I said looking away, trying to act cool, "but they couldn't really handle my style."

I felt my face get hot. What could I tell her? That my parents threw me out because of my "sensitivities"? Yeah, that wouldn't make me look like a total wus at all.

Suddenly, Darlene put her hand on my shoulder.

"Come on, I've got a cottage you can stay in for the night."

I… I didn't know how to respond. Nobody ever offered me a place to stay before, but I'm sure whatever place Darlene is suggesting, I'm sure will be better than this crumby old van.

I followed Darlene to a small, rustic cottage in the woods. As she opened the door, I could see the place decorated with dreamcatchers, lace doilies, and all sorts of spider related décor along with a bookshelf filled with everything from "Charlotte's Web" to an anthology of Ashanti tales of Anansi the spider.

"I spruced it up a little." Said Darlene, "I hope you don't mind the spider motif."

"Not at all. I use to have a pet tarantula before my folks kicked me out."

I sighed. I hoped my parents would've at least taken car of my spider, but they most likely threw her out or worse (I didn't want to think of the worst case scenario).

I felt Darlene pat my shoulders.

"I'm so sorry, Robbie. Here, let me show you to your bedroom."

I followed Darlene. The bedroom had a full sized bed and an antique lamp by the side. I walked up to the bed and couldn't help but notice the bed sheets.

"Are these silk? I don't wanna dirty them or anything."

"Oh don't worry; I've got more where that came from. I use to work a little in textile arts back in the day."

"Really? That's cool."

I started yawning. Never realized how tired I was before.

"You should get some rest, sweetie, and in the morning, I'll make you some breakfast."

I nodded. Darlene then tucked me into bed. Being under those blankets felt so warm and soothing. It wasn't long until my eyes got heavy and I started drifting off to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up the next morning. Darlene made me a hardy breakfast of eggs and sausage. It didn't look the best, but it tasted good. I don't know if it was actually delicious or if I just thought it was because I forgotten what food tasted like while being on the open road, but it was satisfying none-the-less.

I went back to my regular routine of looking out for the mummies. Darlene would often come in and see how I was doing and at night, would tuck me in at the cottage. It sort of weird, but I think she's becoming my second mom.

On the weekends we would get together and talk, sometimes do other things as well.

One day she took me out to get some Italian ice. We sat down and started talking.

"That was when my dad found the magazines in my closet." I spoke before a putting a spoon of lemon ice in my mouth, "It's not that I don't have an attraction to girls, but most of dates I've had with girls in the past never really worked out; most of them were too cold for me. My last girlfriend, after going out for some time, suddenly lost interest in me and went back to texting on her cell phone."

"Tell me about it." Said Darlene, "People think girls are perfect little angels but really, we're all a bunch of blood sucking spiders who will consume you until you're nothing but a dried up corpse."

I smirked a little at Darlene's sense of dark humor.

"Wendy was okay. A bit temperamental, but she showed some warmth. I just wish I didn't mess it up by ripping that CD."

Darlene took my hand.

"I'm so sorry Robbie, but you know we all make mistakes and we need to learn to forgive ourselves."

Darlene then brought out a box.

"Here, I have a little surprise for you."

I was curious. I didn't know what was in the box, but I was a little scared of what was inside. I cautiously opened the box and inside, I saw eight hairy legs and four pairs of eyes staring up at me.

"Fang!"

My eyes lit up with joy seeing my old pet tarantula. I reached down to pick her up, but instead, she jumped out and bit my face numerous times.

"Robbie, are you alright?!" asked Darlene.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry, she always does this; I've developed an immunity to spider venom from all the times she bit me."

"That's good." Said Darlene, "I'm glad to see ya happy. I found her by the bus stop along with a curious cat and a pug-nosed pup; don't know what happened to those two though."

"Well thank you for bringing her to me; it... it really means a lot."

I tried not to shed a tear. Kinda cheesy of me to cry over Italian ice.


	4. Chapter 4

Days passed. Things were quite normal at Mystery Mountain. I kept looking after the mummies while Darlene went off to do her own thing.

An order of merchandise hats came in the mail, but we were already overstocked with gift items already. I decided to go up to Widow's Peak to ask Darlene what to do with them. I looked up the stair, feeling a little nausea and vertigo, but I couldn't wait for Darlene to come down, so, with my eyes closed, I ran up the stairs until I tripped getting to the top.

After brushing myself off, I saw footprints on the ground, leading to a cave. I figured Darlene was probably in there having some "alone time" with some horny truck driver or something. It looked pretty dark in there. I walked in slowly, calling her name.

"Darlene? There's a backorder of baseball caps that've come in the mail! What do you want me to do with them?!"

I received no reply. I noticed a bunch of giant cocoons on the wall, giving off the stench of my parents' old mortuary. I saw something move in the shadows. At first, I thought it was a bear eating freshly killed deer, but then I saw it had eight legs and the "deer" was wearing clothes. The bear popped its blonde head. It turned and I gasped seeing Darlene's bloodstained face and upper torso attached to a giant spider body.

"Robbie?!"

I started screaming. Darlene jumped out and then bit my neck with sharp fangs, but I still continued to scream.

"Oh wow, you really DO have an immunity to spider venom; you know, usually when I sink my fangs into people, they usually get paralyzed instantly."

I then started running out of the cave, taking a cable car slowly down the mountain, and ran to the cabin where I hid under the bed.

Darleen then came in and popped her head under the bed.

"Robbie?"

"PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!"

"Robbie, I would NEVER eat you. I mean first off, you're way too skinny for me to eat; it'd be sucking out of one of those empty honey straws you get from a health food store, and second, you're way to precious for me to wanna eat. Please come out and sit on the bed with me."

I was nervous, but I did as she said, sitting down on the bed as she sat next to me.

"Robbie, I'm sorry you had to see that. I know it's a little hard to understand, but I'm a spider person and spider people have to eat."

"And you tricked me to be your accomplice?!"

"I know, it's was wrong of me to do, but I couldn't just come out and say 'I'm a spider person looking for someone to take care of the deceased bodies off my prey'; not many people are comfortable working for spider people; that's why most of my kids grew up to work in congress."

I didn't know what to think. Darlene was a giant human eating arachnid, but also the nicest person I've ever known. I just sat there numb as she held my head like I was her son. Oh well, I guess having a spider person mom isn't so bad.


End file.
